This is becoming less of a training log and more of a log of my mental issues and how I'm sorting it all out.
Still been dealing with my mental issues of late. Still seeing the psychologist. I've been on Adderall for a while now, up to 20 mgs of extended release twice a day but I'm not sure if that's the right dosage yet or not. I've had sleeping problems my entire life. I have a hard time getting to sleep because I keep thinking of random shit. Often I'll think of something fact that I can't quite recall all of, or there will be a celebrity who's name I can't remember, and I have to keep thinking about it until I can remember. Only then can I go to sleep. Then once I'm asleep, I wake many times throughout the night. Anyway, since getting up to 20 mgs of Adderall, I now fall asleep promptly when I go to bed. I am taking my dose once upon waking and once in the afternoon. The doctor said it might help me sleep, because it will calm my thoughts. But some people have sleeplessness with it. I don't. I sleep better.
Not only that, but I don't wake up at night. I used to sleep six or seven hours a night, waking constantly, then waking finally around 7 am and that's when I can't go back to sleep. Now, I'm waking up after only about five hours of sleep and I feel good. I guess I don't need that much sleep when I'm actually getting quality sleep.
Turns out that you don't get over having ODD either. And medication doesn't work, you have to get therapy or something like that to get over it. I've been avoiding that for almost fifteen years. One time, in school, my best friend came walking up to me during recess and said "hi" and apparently I thought he said something disparaging because I blacked out and when I came to, we were in the principal's office, he was crying, bloody nose, all that, and I was in trouble. That was around the time I decided to stop doing that, and apparently my defense for that was to just close off my emotions as much as a I could. Turns out that's not a very good solution, and now we are working on getting me to let myself feel my feelings again and communicate them appropriately to the people around me. It's a fine line to tread though. Now that I'm working through all this, I'm starting to really feel stuff again and it's not always good. I remember why I decided to try to bury my anger and aggression as much as I could.
I guess weightlifting helped me manage that too. Instead of randomly beating people up for no good reason like I used to when I was younger, I went in and "battled" the weights instead. Sounds cheezy but it seems like that's the function it was serving. So I really need to get back into regular lifting. I'm working 60-70 hours a week right now though so getting into the gym is extremely difficult. I did buy some grippers so I can at least train my grip at home in preparation for getting back into deadlifts once I can lift again. I got a set of three: 150 lbs, 200 lbs and 250 lbs. I can close the 250 once if I warm up with the 150 first but it's pretty difficult to do cold and I can only just barely get the one rep. I'm training negatives on the 250 then doing 15 rep sets afterward with the 150. I guess there might be an actual system for training grip strength, but I don't have time to research it. So I'm doing this. I can at least train grip while sitting at home watching the kids or working on my college coursework. It's better than nothing but definitely not as satisfying as working my whole body in the gym.
If I could just fast forward to a few months from now, things should be better at work and I should have more time.
.
